Anonymous Deaf Chat Q&A #3

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #1

What can do to ensure that my Deaf child with a CI has access to the Deaf community?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Simply participate in as many events held by the Deaf community as possible. Be open to learning about the community and realize Deaf culture is different from hearing culture. Also, the Deaf community's main mode of communication in the United States is ASL. So, be sure to be teaching your child and family ASL, so they can communicate with members of the Deaf community when attending these Deaf events. Many Deaf individuals are not against cochlear implants in general. They're against the denouncing of ASL as a valid language which is what happens when families choose not to teach their Deaf child to sign language. We welcome all who embrace our language and culture, so please come and seek us out at community events!"

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"This is hard. There are people in the Deaf community who resent CIs and there are people who don't resent it and could care less. Find those people and don't let anyone discourage you. The earlier the exposure, the better. It gets harder as your child gets older."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Go to Deaf events!"

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #2

Do you have resentment towards your family for not learning ASL?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"More like slightly disappointed. Many of my deaf friends have no deep conversations with their own parents or siblings. I'm one of the very few that can communicate very well with my family. If ASL is hard for you, then imagine how much harder it is for deaf children to learn to hear/speak. It's a tiring task everyday of my life."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Oh yes- I used to be a family person until I fully acquired ASL and realized they will always leave me out if I don't say anything. So I've stopped going to any family events unless they order an interpreter. I told them I'm not going ever again feeling like a lesser person. I'd rather have an interpreter with me than going alone.

Oh I forgot to add- maybe it's not for everyone but... it's best to support mental health when with hearing family if no one knows ASL it's the best to bring an emotional support animal (dog) for them to play with. I had my dog for 16 years and cannot imagine what I'd be like without my baby because when I felt alone he was with me to cheer me up, etc."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I still love my family dearly. I wouldn't take a bullet for them, I have 2 kids I'd give my all for. I've been deaf since 2014. I was HH since 2009 my family knew I'd go deaf in 2011. Like I said I love them. I just hate being around them. It gets me in such a negative vibe especially in holidays. I'm 33."

ANONYMOUS REPLY

"Fortunately, for me, my parents, siblings, husband, and children all sign. As for extended family members, I know some of them try their best. I try to put myself in their shoes and understand that unless they're under the same roof as someone who is Deaf 24/7, it's hard to be motivated and practice ASL. I wouldn't say I resent them, but I will say that family reunions are not my favorite. #awkward "

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I don't think I resent that my parents didn't learn or use ASL, but it does make me a little sad and wishful that they had or will in the future."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Not necessarily resentment as they did the best they could either the limited resources that were available 30+ years ago. I was raised oral. I learned to speak well and to utilize my hearing aids as a tool. I was able to get by. However, as an adult, I do wish they would have learned. It would have helped me immensely in social situations to not feel anxious and isolated. Looking back, my parents wish they would have learned ASL to further help me be fully included in all parts of life."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I do have resentment toward my parents for not learning ASL because they also have a Deaf grandchild. I demand them to talk him sign too."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Kind of. More like I resent how difficult it is to be the only d/Deaf person in a hearing family. I don't love that we don't sign but i don't hate it because my parents and brother accommodate me and I accommodate them (it's equal) but I feel that ASL could have benefited us in many ways. I recommend learning, it will open up so many worlds and opportunities."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Resentment is a strong word, but I will say that I am tired of seeing DHH children that are language deprived. This can affect DHH individuals in so many ways, that are often lifelong."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Unfortunately yes."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"As a Deaf adult, yes I do. To me, it is language deprivation. If the family decides NOT to learn ASL because it is too much "work" then that just shows lack of desire to build a relationship with your Deaf child. If the family does not know ASL yet, then I would encourage to start now. To be honest, your Deaf child will ALWAYS be Deaf. Whether you try to fix it or heal it or give some aids such as hearing aid or cochlear implants- your child will STILL be Deaf. So technically your Deaf child will have to fight as being a Deaf person in this world of hearing people as the majority, why should your Deaf child also fight for communication in their own very home? American Sign Language gives the opportunity for your child to communicate without any "stress." Most of the times my Deaf friends always feel sad and rejected when their families do not sign. During the holidays become extra challenging for my Deaf friends with their hearing families. My Deaf friends feel left out and they're trying to figure out what their families are saying, etc. On the other side, I also have other Deaf friends who have their hearing families who know sign language. My Deaf friends have a deeper relationship with their families who can sign. The parents and child relationship is SO important. When a Deaf child feels accepted and has access to communication with the parents- the Deaf child thrives in ways you cannot imagine. You cannot ever go wrong with learning American Sign Language."

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #3

Which one is preferred to say

1. Use/sign ASL

2. Speak ASL

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"#1 but either will do."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Use/sign ASL because speak is Audist word. Like in ASL, "tell her to come here" why do we need to use "tell" on our mouth as like we are speaking but we should be using the word "inform" to replace the word "tell"."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Number 1 because we don't use our voices to speak ASL.

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Personally, I think it's weird to say "speak ASL" because it's not a spoken language."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Sign ASL"

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Many in the Deaf community prefer "Speak ASL", so that is what I tend to use. Although I have used the other terms as well."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"1 because ASL is not a spoken language."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"1"

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #4

My son is HH+. He made up a sign name for someone. Should I discourage that?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No! It's encouraged! One hh girl age 2 came up with the sign name for Rapunzel (sp? Disney character) She used index finger and would "draw" it from back of her head down to side of shoulder to spiral floor."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No. He is still Deaf regardless of his hearing level and can still assign name signs to people he knows. You don't have to be profoundly Deaf to hand out name signs. Anyone with some type of hearing loss can do this."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No, I gave friends and family sign names when I was younger. It makes conversation much easier."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"In Deaf culture, it is the role of a native Deaf signer to give sign names to non-native signers. These individuals are typically culturally and linguistically strong representatives of the Deaf community and can ensure that the name sign created is not to be confused with another word in ASL. Many individuals who are not culturally/linguistically strong signers often give name signs that can be inappropriate. So, if at all possible, if you have access to a local Deaf community, reach out to them for guidance in assigning non-native signers with sign names."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"It's a part of the Deaf culture to give people sign names. If the person didn't have one before, they do now. But if the person already had one, it should be left alone. Name signs are given to people that those who are deaf. It's an honor to receive one."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

" Only a Deaf/HH person can only give name signs, not hearing people. So, if you son identifies himself as a HH person- that is acceptable within the Deaf community for your son to give a name sign for another person."

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #5

Hearing parent giving sign name so child can identify people beyond "friend" 4 yo. ??

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Not recommended. Only deaf/hh who are native to ASL can do that. It's their language to "christen" a name to someone, something, or place. Here's a good link that explains it better: https://www.handspeak.com/culture/index.php?id=79 "

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I think it's fine because it takes time for a child at this age to understand the concept that they actually have the authority to create name signs."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No- because we should be fingerspelling names just like hearing kid's (ears) through sounds and we do too (eyes). It's best to fingerspell until they've developed their own identity. It is critical for language development."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Unless the kids name is Ashleighlynn (or some really long name) then just fingerspell the name with the child. It won't be perfectly fingerspelled back, but will be recognizable and it teaches the child many things (I can add them in a separate comment). My 5 and 3 year old can fingerspell many words/names. Don't 'baby talk' or 'simplify it' but give child access to norm of fingerspelled names!"

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Try coming up with sign names together since the child is young. Spell it for them and ask them about that friend, i.e. what does the friend like, look like, etc?"

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #6

Does it take a long time to earn a sign name? Is it only when I become fluent?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"For most case, yes, it takes a while. It depends how much involved you are in the deaf community and events as well as making more deaf friends by acquiring the newfound visual language for your child. Deaf Community will automatically welcome you and family of deaf child especially when they see you're truly trying and jumping in with both feet for your child."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"It depends on the Deaf person you're closest to. Some Deaf people are creative and can give name signs on the spot. Others like to take time to know their hearing friend before assigning a name sign to them. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the timing of assigning name signs."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Yes, to earn name sign is to be part of the Deaf community."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No... Sign names are not only assigned when someone becomes fluent. If that were the case, many hearing individuals would not have a name sign. You usually are given a name sign when you are an active part of the Deaf community. Whether you are a novice or fluent signer, if you are making an effort and are around the Deaf community (at least where I'm from), you are given a name sign."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I personally do not like making a sign name or being part of the community something you must earn. I prefer to welcome anyone who genuinely cares and is interested in learning. I think anyone who is working to learn sign language deserves to have a sign name. But that's just me and some people might not agree."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"It's not fluency, but your heart. When Deaf people see that you keep showing up to events, and that you are an ally that's when you'll get one. It's not fluency, but time invested."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Not long, usually, but sometimes it takes a little time, especially if that person isn't a "regular" in the deaf person's life daily. Also, if I feel a hearing person will not stick around and/or take the time to learn some signs, even just the basics like ABCs and common greetings, I'm not going to give you one because you want one. It's gotta be earned."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No, it is not only when you become fluent. It is when you start hanging out with the Deaf community. :) It does not take a long time depending on your involvement with the Deaf community. If you're just a by-passer who thinks the Deaf community is "cool" but you are not really involved then do not expect a name sign. If you have been involved for a while and you passionately want to continue being involved with the Deaf community then it does not hurt to ask a Deaf person who is your friend to give you a name sign. Most of the times Deaf people are annoyed by other hearing people asking for name signs when they are not even involved with our community or even our ally. Again, it does not take a long time, but it also depends on your engagement in our community- fluency doesn't matter."

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #7

How do you feel about taking a Deaf child to speech therapy?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Growing up, I mostly remember speech therapy sessions more than anything else in school or academics in the classroom. This should tell you something. Just be sure your child's not taken out of the classroom so much so that he/she would miss out on other things. Speech and hearing words/sounds alone isn't language. English and ASL are true languages."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I think all Deaf children should at least try speech therapy, especially as early as possible. But keep in mind that ALL Deaf children are different. Some are able to learn how to speak and some aren't able to. The most important thing you can do for your Deaf child is to help them understand that their speech skills does not determine how successful they will be in life. Also, having or lacking speech skills does NOT make a person better or less than others. Choose a Deaf-friendly SLP that supports ASL to ensure a positive experience for your Deaf child."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I don't think there's anything wrong with speech therapy for Deaf people. But just like hearing aids, it should be viewed as a tool and not something they are forced to rely on."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I can't answer for you because every person's opinion is different. In my perspective, a child deserves every waking moment to be playing outside and develop language naturally through ASL."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"As a Deaf individual who was primarily oral, I'm not against speech therapy. It worked for me. However, PLEASE listen and watch how your child reacts to the therapy. It can be a traumatic experience for some who cannot make sense of speech, yet are forced to go because their family wants them to talk. I have heard many traumatizing stories from fellow Deaf individuals about being forced to speak when they preferred to sign. Their speech was never very clear, but their family made them use it because it was easier for them (so the family wouldn't have to learn ASL). It happens more often than people realize. I, myself, told my mom that "I quit speech" when I was around 7 or 8 years old. I was constantly working on the same two sounds and it was just boring. I knew my areas of weakness and didn't need to be reminded of it constantly. She listened to me and let me stop my therapy sessions. I am grateful to her for listening and not forcing me to continue for the benefit of others."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"If the goal is to work on language, it's fine but if it's to make them less d/Deaf then that's unacceptable and essential the child is being taught that they ate a deficit and need fixing."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"If it benefits the child, great. If it doesn't, don't waste their time. Speech time can also be used for LANGUAGE, not just spoken language. Find an SLP who supports language acquisition above all else. Many DHH kids hate going to speech, but this isn't always the case, of course."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I am an Deaf adult and I have a Deaf family. My parents wanted speech therapy for a couple of years so my sign language could match with me mouthing the words. I do not think it is a bad idea, but do not make speech therapy a priority. FIRST, sign language then you combine some speech therapy- that should be fine, but do not expect your Deaf child to exceed in speaking. Make it a lesser of a priority, but be more focused on sign language. Combining sign language and speech therapy is a nice asset for your Deaf child. Also, I would encourage you to take caution of what kind of speech therapist is provided. I have had multiple trauma with my speech therapist because she forced me to speak some words that I could not speak which resulted in some physical abuse and giving me a "low score" for not speaking right. It really damaged some of my self esteem. Later on in life, I did have a good speech therapist because she supported sign language and just supported with what I could do within my own abilities. Again, make sign language a priority and speech therapy as a "benefit," but not emphasized. That would be my advice based on my experience."

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #8

If you received CI(s) as a child, do you appreciate that decision made for you now?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No. I can't ever get a MRI and I much would rather not be able to hear than die from an actual life threatening disease/diagnosis, which can be identified through an MRI. For the rest of my life, I will always worry whether first responders, hospitals, and doctors will know NOT to put me in a MRI scan if I am not able to advocate for myself if I were unconscious."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I got one when I was 7 years old because that was considered "young" back in the 80s when CIs were a brand new technology. I'm sure I would've had better results had I got it shortly after becoming Deaf at 15 months (as a result of spinal meningitis). However, I gave my CI a valiant effort for 7 years before deciding it wasn't for me. I can honestly say I am glad I at least tried so that I don't have to go through life wondering what it would be like to have one. Silence is golden."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I got CIs as a kid! But i wish I was more integrated into the Deaf community and I wish I was taught ASL."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"No- I want to be able to go scuba diving and do all these crazy things. CI is the reason why it's stopping me from doing the wild adventures that requires deep pressure inside my ear."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Yes and no. I don't mind them but I do wish I had ASL in my life- it would have benefited me so much. Most accommodations that places offer for D/HH folks is ASL and I can't utilize that which means I can't participate. They also offer assistive technology but everyone requires different types and places don't offer it."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Yes, as I can use my experience to teach others about why CIs are not a quick fix. I have not worn mine in over 20 years, but I know my parents did what they thought was best for me at the time."

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #9

What are your thoughts on home signs? Many times I'm lost as what to sign (especially with reading). What do you suggest? Just fingerspell or is it okay to do a home sign in that moment?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Best to fingerspell or look up at lifeprint.com or signingsavvy.com or ask a Deaf person. Homemade sign is not recommended nor encouraged. I would be like making up a word that's not in grammatically correct English. Follow @MommyGoneTropical on Instagram. You can see several of her videos of her storytelling from various children's books."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Ideally, it would be best to use the proper sign fro the beginning if possible. With numerous online ASL resources out there today, it shouldn't be a problem finding the sign you're looking for. This is also another reason to get involved with the deaf community so you can connect with others who are fluent in ASL and can help you. Also, remember that ASL is a conceptual language. Often times there are signs that can be used for multiple English words. If anything, fingerspelling would be better than home signs to save confusion later on for your Deaf child."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I would suggest fingerspelling and then looking up the actual sign as soon as you can. You'll learn a lot from looking up signs, and you might get confused by mixing in "home signs"."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"FINGERSPELL, FINGERSPELL, FINGERSPELL! Do not underestimate the power of fingerspelling. Please do not make up home signs. I've seen many children confused between signs created at home and actual ASL signs. Children understand fingerspelling better than what some might think. When reading, use pictures to help clarify what you fingerspelled. If you're reading to an older child and there aren't pictures in the book, use the internet to look up images for support and clarification. Or better yet, to look up the signs for the words you do not know."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Home signs are okay if it's paired with fingerspelling, and is temporary, but definitely do take the tie to learn the correct sign for words and phrases. Your child will go to school, possibly interact with other DHH individuals, so you want the to use the correct signs. You wouldn't want them using home signs with others as they may not understand them."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I have a few friends who used home signs with their families. My Deaf friends expressed frustrations about the lack of relationship between their parents and them with home signs. The problem with home signs is that it is limited. You can have basic home signs, but your Deaf child cannot use home signs out of your home circle. Your Deaf child cannot have an in depth conversation with you with home signs alone. At one point, your Deaf child will need to learn American Sign Language so communication can happen inside of your home and outside too with other Deaf friends or Deaf co workers in the future. I would encourage you to learn the basic signs of American Sign Language to communicate with your Deaf child. Home signs are fine in between families, but as long as you are also learning ASL then eventually the home signs will wear away as you can communicate more efficiently and deeply with your Deaf child with ASL."

ANONYMOUS QUESTION #10

What's your best advice to a parent that's JUST found out their child is Deaf?

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"It's okay to grieve. It's normal. More often than not, it's harder on the parents than it is on the Deaf child. In most cases, Deaf children don't know any different. I would be sad as a parent if my child was blind because I know how amazing it is to employ my visual capacities. So, I can understand why hearing parents would be heartbroken because they know their child won't be able to enjoy or appreciate the world of sounds in the same way as his/her parents do. Go ahead and grieve, but know your Deaf child CAN still have a happy and fruitful life."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Adapt. Resilience. Acceptance. Celebrate!

Deaf child can do anything and everything. A wonderful journey to grow with your child learning visual language and culture."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"LEARN ASL. Reach out to Deaf schools to get resources. Y'all will be on same journey for a short amount of time to learn the language and eventually the child will blossom around Deaf people."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Embrace the journey you're about to go on. Learn as much sign language as possible. Sign is the only language that is 100% accessible to your deaf child. Even if you decide to use CI's or HA's, your child is still Deaf. Raise them to be bilingual to ensure they have complete access to language. Find mentors in the Deaf community to help guide you in raising your child. They will be able to share experiences and provide advice from a perspective you have never seen before. These are the two most critical aspects in my opinion: Learn ASL and find a Deaf mentor as soon as possible."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Don't worry so much. Don't worry about they'll be able to do. Don't focus too much on their inability to hear. Your baby is still perfect, just the way he or she is, and will be able to do anything he or she wants. It probably seems very overwhelming at first, but everything will be ok. And of course, I highly recommend learning sign language! But remember not to get overwhelmed or rushed. You'll learn over time and so will your child.

To add to the last question, I always like to remind new parents of Deaf children that I'm perfectly happy with my hearing loss. I wouldn't change it. If there were a pill I could take to fix my hearing, I wouldn't take it. Sure, there are frustrating moments, but I see my hearing loss as a blessing, and just a part of myself."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Start learning ASL as much as you can as soon as you can! It will change your child's life for the better."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"First, congratulations! Bringing a human into the world is a lot of work. You got a diagnosis- it's not the end of the world. Your world and their world are different. You rely on hearing and your child doesn't have that sense so there's a disconnect. Thankfully there are many resources out there to help you navigate this. There's assistive technology and sign language. Look at ALL options available and utilize ALL options. There's no one size fits all. Look for d/Deaf mentors (there's many online), find a community, and reach out. You will get many opinions but at the end of the day, this knowledge will help direct you and help you make the best decision for you and your family."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Run and find a Deaf adult to be your friend!"

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"Know that everything will be okay and your family is in for an amazing adventure! Reach out to local Deaf schools, seek out Deaf mentors, learn ASL as early as possible to ensure language acquisition. If they have access to sound, give them that, too. Let them lead when it comes to their chosen mode of communication."

ANONYMOUS REPLY:

"I would encourage exploring all options for the Deaf child including learning sign language and checking out a Deaf school. Do check out resources like the Nyle DiMarco Foundation (link below). While I, a Deaf adult, cannot force a hearing parent to decide for their Deaf child, but I would strongly encourage to seek into American Sign Language as a priority for communication because no matter what- at the end of the day, your child is still Deaf. Even if your child has a hearing aid or a cochlear implant or whatever device to help your child hear, when your Deaf child takes that device off- your child is still Deaf. Knowing American Sign Language for both, the parents and the Deaf child, gives you even ore access to communication because your Deaf child still can use American Sign Language anytime, anywhere, anyhow.

This link will lead to some more good information related to language acquisition.

https://www3.gallaudet.edu/clerc-center/info-to-go/early-intervention.html

https://nyledimarcofoundation.com "